"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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