sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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