i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
