There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
