Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
