At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
there's paper in my vomit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize