She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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