Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize