Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm like, not good at living.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
