That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
