I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
