fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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