Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
