If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
