I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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