Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
