Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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