Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
