I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
