i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
