I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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