I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
