it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
