if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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