i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
