i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
