I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Two words: nipple clamps
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