i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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