hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
