I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
