and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
