I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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