do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
