i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm at about main and main street
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
