Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
