i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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