So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
