dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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