If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
