After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
