I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
