I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize