trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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