our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
