So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize