video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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