one two three fourrrrnication!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
