Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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