Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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