Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My feet surprised me
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