No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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