You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
