I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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