This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
