This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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