Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
