If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize