In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
