I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
