I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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