oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
