She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
