Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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